Boobs! Pirates! Jokes!

This is all you need to know about fake boobs.

Great News! I was going to make my first post an insightful and academic essay on the state of modern music, but instead, boobs distracted me. Feel free to forgive me at your leisure.

It turns out that Disney is not interested in fake boobs–and who is, right? Right? Anyone?–for their new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. You can follow the link if you want, but I’m going to go ahead and quote the important part for you.

“Filmmakers sent out a casting call last week, according to the paper, seeking ‘beautiful female fit models. Must be 5 feet 7 inches-5 feet 8 inches, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.’ The potential ladies will also have to undergo a test involving jiggling and jogging to determine their breasts’ authenticity, the Post says.” From:

Now, obviously we, being logical and rational individuals, can deduce that, since this movie involves pirates who aren’t from Somalia, it is probably set in a time period where fake tits would be anachronistic at best and a surgical nightmare at worst, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, because this story broke an hour or so ago, I’m going to get the jump on every other blog site and post every possible joke anyone can make about this situation. Click “Continue Reading” to see what I’m talking about.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I present a Technicolor Commentary exclusive.

  1. Needed: Flat-Chested blond girl to replace Orlando Bloom.
  2. This marks the first time a woman lost a job because of her fake chest.
  3. This marks the first time a woman got a job because of her real chest.
  4. Any bigger than C cups and Johnny Depp just won’t look them in the eye.
  5. “Oh no… The costumes came back from the shop and they’re all fitted for 15 year old girls.”
  6. Now fake asses on the other hand…
  7. Never taunt the Kraken.
  8. Contractually, Penélope Cruz must have the biggest breasts on set. If not, Penélope gets jealous. And when Penélope gets jealous, motherfuckers get killed.
  9. Life preservers ruin the atmosphere of danger.
  10. Historical Fact: All pirates were allergic to silicone.
  11. Apparently Casting Directors have the best job in the world
  12. Too many kids were confusing the franchise with “Pirates.” Way different.
  13. See, the movie industry isn’t shallow and sex-obsessed after all.
  14. Don’t worry. They’ll CGI them in later.
  15. I hear the skeletons are going to be real in this one, too.
  16. Beautiful fit females without fake breasts? Good luck.
  17. Most disappointing bar wenches EVER!
  18. Turns out pirates just don’t care about boobs anymore.
  19. Fake boobs look too real in HD.
  20. Contractually, Geoffrey Rush must have the second largest breasts on set. If not, then Geoffrey gets real sad.
  21. Only the Make-up Department gets to apply scars.
  22. I guess they needed another reason for Roger Ebert to hate the film.
  23. No Keira Knightly and no fake boobs? Now what am I going to masturbate to?

Jesus Christ, how does Letterman turn this shit out? Anyway, if anyone out there in Internetland sees one of these jokes or something similar, be sure to tell me so I can gloat about how much bigger my e-penis is. Special thanks to Mike Stevens and Andrew Wilkens for making this post possible.

  • Well, about taunting that Kraken. I was thinking more along the lines of seduction. Is that…um…acceptable? 😛